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- The president is assassinated, very publicly and apparently successfully, he takes several shots to the chest and neck, but it turns out he’s a zombie and he tries to hide it.
- Or, as above, but he becomes a mindless zombie and his entourage try to hide the fact. It all comes to a head when he’s supposed to be negotiating with the russian premiere and he eats his brains.
- A keyboard that fits over your laptop keyboard, but it’s insulated so you’re not resting your hands on warm metal/plastic all the time
- Determine who the president is by who has the widest shoulders
- Smelling lessons, where you can learn to identify various dangerous smells
- New fashion trend, animatronic wigs
- Fake windows, a solar panel on a wall converts sunlight into electricty to power an LED panel on the inside of the wall
- Victorian detective story, but the detectives sidekick is a dinosaur
- Victorian gypsy bareknuckle boxer turned crimefighter
- Surgeon operating on a person has to actually wrestle with the organs, they don’t want to be transplanted and they’re willing to kill to stop it.
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- Woman wakes up after 30 year coma, but she’s not the same woman that went into the coma, she’s been switched along the way
- Film about a man digging his own grave. That’s the whole film, him digging, in real time. Sometimes visitors happen by and he talks with them. At the end, he hauls a coffin into the grave, lies down in it, pulls out a gun. Does he use it? No, about halfway through it’s revealed he has a gun, but he has a change of heart.
- Maybe he climbs out of the grave and sets off to use the gun on someone else.
- Choosing the PM is no longer to be decided by allowing party members to vote, instead prospective candidates are to be locked in a room with a hundred snakes and the winner is the one the snakes feel the least affinity for
- Dracula united, a football team of classic vampires, play in full regalia and cloaks, any matches during the day have them in their coffins on the pitch
- Tea for cats
- Dinosaur cowboys, actual dinosaurs in cowboy hats and chaps, the T Rex loses on the quickdraw because he can’t reach his holster.
- Robin hood working a series of mundane jobs, in his full green regalia with pointy little hat and he’s trying to show off his fancy bowmanship but he’s working in mcdonalds and there’s five people that just want their big macs
- Cloudbursters, they’re little sweets that look like clouds and when you bite them they pop with different flavoured rain. 1 in 666 is filled with cursed blood rain
- In the same way that you get modern remakes of shakespeare, like Ian Mckellan in Richard3 or Baz Luhrmans Romeo & Juliet, a remake of Oliver Stones JFK, but set in 1980s downtown Detroit.
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- Allegedecational – something supposedly educational but not really like a documentary on “worlds scariest dinosaurs”
- Thrights – Tights that come with a third leg so you can quickly change over if you get a hole in one
- A little umbrella that a cat can wear
- Dronebrella – A drone with a collapsible umbrella that automatically tracks you, adjusting for angle of rain
- Sauce hat, a hat with a camera and a nozzle that can squirt microdoses of sauce on your food as the fork approaches your mouth
- All papal elections to feature a rap-battle
- Brexit compromise, membership of the eu is revoked when the clocks go back and we rejoin in spring
- Beanbags with printed covers so they look like giant apples and oranges
- Rename left and right to more neutral words,
- All kubernetes related video to be re-dubbed so kube is pronounced cube and not kooba
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- Pyschotherapy for cats
- Pyschotherapy for cars
- Magnetic milkshake
- Sellers on amazon and ebay to show what couriers they use so you can avoid buying anything from people that use awkward feckers like hermes
- Twitter feed from an alternate universe that isn’t awful.
- Stripey cake made of chocolate sponge and honey sponge like a big bee.
- Is honey sponge even a thing? It should be.
- Injection that makes your gums all soft and squidgy to make removal of bad teeth easy
- Talking dice, you roll them and they speak the total.
- All mice to be issued with coats.
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- Finger dancer, an phone game, beat matching thing like DDR or bust-a-move but you tap bits on the screen in time to the music, but as well as that, it uses your front camera to track finger movements in between the beats to add extra flair and bonus points.
- Gmail to add filter by age option to emails. Like, if it’s from this person and it’s a week old, I’m not going to read it, shove it in the bin or something.
- Take videos of dogs doing tippytaps and dub the opening of Black Sabbaths Paranoid over them
- Stealth Sofa: Even ninjas can be comfy
- Dongle and chips
- Bathroom mirror that displays a random positive affirmation when you stand in front of it in the morning
- Supercut video: Doctor! Doctor! by the thompson twins, as “sung” by clips from Doctor Who
- Supercut video: the star trek intro by doctor who clips
- Bathroom vent fan that switches on for a few minutes once you switch the light off and leave the room
- Cat with roller skates
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- Musical based on the 60s Peter Cushing Dr. Who and the Daleks film
- Burger king marketing campaign: The Big king Burger. With an obvious space before the king
- Youtube filter to show only videos that can be enjoyed just while listening to them.
- The don’t give a shit song
Don’t give a shit
Don’t give a shit
Don’t don’t don’t
Don’t give a shit
- Gullivers travels, except the lilliputians build a rollercoaster around him while he sleeps
- Every day ends with an option to hit the reset button, except when you wake up after the reset, you’re just as tired as you were when you hit the reset.
- Everyone gets the option to reset at the end of the day, but you only get 6 resets in your life. Also, if someone else resets the same day as you, you both use up a reset and they could potentially be working against you. People may be less likely to try and fuck over other people if they know that their day might just be reset.
- There are people who volunteer to give up one of their resets to just go back to the morning and infodump loads of stuff about murders and disasters and that. The lottery doesn’t exist, instead you do this and get a chunk of cash as compensation.
- There are some people who can sense if someone is in a reset day, these people are in demand to screen anyone entering a competition or if you’re attending a high security gathering, everyone will want to know why you’ve reset.
- A cake shaped like a huge fist, each finger is a different type of sponge.
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- Fill a swimming pool with peanut butter, have a race to see who can run across it the quickest.
- Competition to see how much of your brain you can replace with jam and still complete a crossword puzzle. Winners get a job on talk radio.
- Make music on tape, by hand. IE unspool a cassette tape and run a magnet over the tape a bit at a time, see what kind of sounds you can make
- A game based on a TV show that releases a new level each week that ties in with that weeks episode.
- Plastic army men, but they’re the size of action force figures and they’re fully articulated, apart from their feet being attached to a green board and they’re only as detailed as the small ones.
- All games to have a “spare me the cutscenes” mode. All cutscenes replaced with a two line summary
- The Wild West Files: X-files but with cowboys
- Heated pint glass that warms your hands but keeps your pint cool
- Bowler hats made out of bowling balls, the more brightly coloured, the better
- The never-ending chip. A machine that makes chips and then feeds them through a tube to crimp them together so you end up with a bag that has a massive spiral that’s one very long chip
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- New spokesperson.mascot for American Express, “Amex Ahmed” Ahmed is a perfectly respectable citizen who nevertheless gets hassle when travelling, simply because he has brown skin and is called Ahmed. That is, until he gets an american express card and this magically helps overcome prejudice and paranoia.
- When he pulls the card out of his wallet and hands it over, the image is stabilised on the card, so the card appears to be staying still while everything else is moving around it.
- Then he throws the card into the air and it turns into a plane.
- Camera zooms into one of the windows and inside the plane where we see Ahmed in first class, giving a big thumbs up.
- Alarm that knows when you’re up and awake, so it doesn’t go off again
- US-Bots. Little toy robots that dance when you plug them into a USB port
- Alternative version. They have USB ports in place of their hands, so you can plug devices, like USB sticks, in and they become the robots weapons. Every USB device presents certain ID information, software in the robot creates a hash of that and number can be fed into a generator to create the robots name/bio/stats. You then use an app to access that information and battle your robots.
- If you beat a robot, you have the option of taking a weapon from the defeated robot and using that. Otherwise, switching weapons loses you points, this is to limit people trying loads of different things until they get good stats.
- Some sort of storage thing for henry hoovers so it’s not just in the fucking way no matter where you put it.
- A toastie machine that makes toasties in the shape of little tuxedo jackets.
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- Imagine sports reporting wasn’t so much about the teams and competition as it’s about reporting on people having a good time
– George McNewsreader: And today in sport there was some football, the lads in red and blue got together, lots of goals were scored, everybody had a great time, let’s hear from Phil at the pitchside
– Phil: I’m here with Dave from, eh, the blue team, how was the match for you Dave?
– Dave: Oh it was great Phil, me and the lads ran all over the place, I kicked the ball loads and Kevin scored two goals
– Phil: Isn’t Kevin on the red team?
– Dave: Yeah, but they were good goals, it were great
– Phil: So there you have it, a great days football in Manchester. Next week the blue team will be playing another blue team from London, it’ll be great, back to you George
- Win the lottery, pay someone 20,000 to go to the papers and announce that it was them who won the 50billion jackpot. Sit back and watch as they realise their horrible mistake.
- Takeaway franchise: Stew 4 you
- Limpet crab, part crab, part limpet
- A pyramid scheme that sells actual pyramids
- Stairs are snakes
- Laser reflective clothes
- Laminated frost
- Haircuts for coats
- Coast coats
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- Remake the Big Lebowski with an all dog cast, call it the Big Lebow-wowski
- “I’m not talking about some sort of mountain rescue dog, I’m talking about the chow that peed on my hecking rug”
- “I heard you pulled a piece out on the court, you pull that kinda poop on me, I’m gonna take it right off you, shove it up your ass an squeeze it till it go ‘squeak’”
- “Shut the heck up Donny”
- “Just give us the treats Lebow-wowski”
- “You want a paw? Dawg, I can get you a paw by 2 this afternoon”
- “I’ll rub your belly for $300”
- “I’m the Dawg, so that’s what you call me. That or, His Dawgness, or Dawgger, or El Dawgerino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing”
- “Obviously, you’re not a fetcher”
- “Not the hecking Beagles man”