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- Kithulu the dark lord of kites
- Comedy about a man whose wife brings home another husband one day, unannounced and now he has to figure out how to live with this other guy in the house
- Shoes that expand into snow/ sand shoes
- Shoes that keep out the sand
- App where you put in start and destination and it’ll give you an approximate taxi price
- Where does the air on planes come from?
- How do oases work?
- Option to request a no arseholes room in a hostel
- How do insect eyes work? Don’t they need to blink ?
- Walking sticks combine into one stick
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- Juffee! Toffee juice! The drink you can chew!
- Teeth covers to stop your teeth wearing down while you eat and stuff
- Little windup churches that turn into robots to try and get kids interested in the whole religion thing
- BATTLEPOPE!
- TV channel that rebroadcasts BBC TV from 50 years ago, in realtime, so in 50 years it’ll be showing todays TV
- Personalised emoji set with your face as all of the emojis
- Some sort of tray so you can use two laptops on your lap at once
- Inflatable dogs moved about by tiny drones with projectors on the inside that give the appearance of a moving face
- Cheesemasters! a range of exciting action figures made entirely from cheese
- Juggling with pints of beer
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- Why is a grapefruit called a grapefruit? It doesn’t look like a grape, doesn’t taste like a grape and there’s already a fruit called a grape
- Half strength teabags
- Is Predator the longest running movie series with no recurring characters?
- C.O.N.T.O. Citizen Of Non Terrestrial Origin
- A thing that pops up to remind you that you’ve been looking at this thing for too long and just doing the same things over again isn’t going to fix it, you need to take a break.
- Animated mask for video calls that just looks like your real face but filters out you rolling your eyes and saying “what the heck” when it’s a business call and the other person says something really stupid
- Bathroom scale that disregards the weight of anything currently in your digestive system
- Bruise-eze. Something that makes bruises go away
- Rambo VS Rocky. Now in their 80s, both men have put lives of violence behind them but they live next to each other and get through the day by thinking up new ways to annoy their neighbour like installing punji sticks in their lawn.
- As above but with both parts played by Eddie Murphy
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- Offences that will require re-education when I’m king #276: Standing in a doorway, holding the door open while having a conversation with someone, thus having to move out of the way to let someone through the door
- Double re-education if you then move back to the doorway blocking position
- Triple re-education if you’re not holding the door open, you’re standing on one side of the door, but you’re holding the handle, thus causing a struggle when someone comes along and wants to open the door
- Quadruple re-education if do any of these despite being fully aware that particular door sets off an alarm if it is open for more than 60 seconds.
- Re-education if you park your bike in a bike rack and lock it in such a way that it takes up two spaces.
- Double re-education if that bike rack is already inside a building or garage that’s locked with restricted access
- Re-education if you send an email with a subject line that starts “RE: ” and it’s not a reply
- To tell the difference between wasps and bees: If it’s got fuzz, let it buzz. If it’s smooth, you better move
- Trans lady referred to as an ex-man, gets mistaken for one of Professors X’s X-men, hilarity ensues
- Door step that plays heavy electronic beats as you enter or exit your house. Dub-step
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- Shoot scenes to fit into a Friday the 13th movie, but from Jasons POV as he mutters to himself while reorganising bodies. “Hey look, a bottle of wine, I know I’ll hide in the cupboard with the corkscrew and then when one of those kids comes along to drink the wine, they’ll be all like ‘hey where’s the corkscrew?’ and then I’ll leap out and be all ‘bam! there’s your corkscrew! in your face’”
- Slasher movie, but one of the group of potential victims is a regular murderer trying to murder one of the other victims while there’s a masked serial killer going about massacaring everyone else
- Manfannies
- Website trust certificate that authenticates that a website doesn’t show really annoying ads or ads that hijack your browser so it’s safe to disable your adblocker.
- Re-dub all the star wars movies so that everyone just speaks in unitelligible mumbling except Chewbacca who is speaking clear english. Be sure to include Episode III
- Helicopter dromaderies
- App that identifies if a spot has reached optimum squeezing time
- Channel that streams coronation street episodes at x500 speed
- Pintsicle
- Boolean lollipops
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- Cardboard boxes that are designed to allow you to easily do that foldy thing where the top stays closed by itself
- Throw a fire extinguisher into a volcano
- A kettle that pours milk into your tea at the same time as the hot water
- Counter for “Number of fools pitied”
- Silent espresso machine
- Phone that’s a slice of bread
- Music player app that announces the artist and track title
- Travel back in time, kidnap Hitler from his bunker in 1945. Travel back further, kidnap young artistic Hitler from his Vienna squat. Get the young one to interview the old one, put it on telly
- Use the chain reaction interview format, next week old Hitler interviews Stalin, then Stalin interviews Julius Ceaser, then Julius Ceaser interviews Lemmy from Motorhead
- Undead helicopters
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- A service to get pictures burned onto wood with some sort of burner/printer device
- A site that gives you a random positive affirmation each day that has at lease 365 different affirmations
- A cooked sausage inside a banana
- Tribute band where they play Commodores and Lionel Ritchie music on Commodore 64s
- A quiet cat litter tray
- Service that re-dubs youtube videos that have interesting content but narrators with annoying voices
- App that calculates how many people will come to your event and tell you wether or not to bother so you don’t have to deal with the disappointment of nobody coming.
- App that dispenses ice cream from your phone
- Tiny bank, all the cashiers are really small, it takes several of them to handle one coin.
- Mirror paint, you paint it on a surface and it’s a mirror
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- Sticker for the bathroom door that changes colour depending on how smelly it is inside
- Frozen scrambled eggs ice cream alternative, on a stick
- Shoes that leave footprints that look like hands
- T Shirt with “I R OPS” printed on it
- Rename the tube to The Londerground
- Caramel car wash
- Transforming cake, blow the candles out and the telescopic arms raise the tiers and separate the wedges outwards
- Weaponised porridge
- Ships with legs
- Alarm clock that gently taps you on the shoulder and says “excuse me, it’s time to wake up
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- Every Thursday to be international karate day
- Dynamite dog the disco detective
- Othello, but with the lead part played by a white actor doing blackface and all the other parts played by black actors doing whiteface, and not even good black/whiteface, like black and white minstrel level.
- Quentin Tarantinos Macbeth
- William Shakespeares Pulp Fiction
- 50/50 chocolate spread. Is it tasty chocolate spread or will it explode on contact with your toast? You won’t know until you try!
- As above, but with poop. Poop that smells like chocolate.
- A way to have a shower without getting wet, you step out and you’re instantly dry
- An app that shows your playlist alongside your run so you can see where the music affected your pace.
- As above but with heart rate/bpm ratios
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- The show “secret helpers” but instead of “sages” it’s just random members of the public who have been sold as “experts” to the person needing advice
- Nobody has ever gone for a magazine cover photoshoot after a big dinner
- Toast colour selector, instead of numbers it has pictures of celebrities of various ethnicities
- As above, but with cats
- Easter egg, when you open it, there’s hot chips inside
- Chocolate sprinkler, covers the room in chocolate when there’s a fire
- Sphinx bombs
- The Hay Team. Like the A-team, but cows
- Johnny wheel-hands. He’s got wheels for hands
- Attach a helium balloon to a hat and when you take your hat off to greet a lady, just let it drift away.