1. Electrostatic sticky plasters for when you have a cut on your finger tip but still need to use two finger scrolling on your trackpad
2. Mole police
3. Reverse wishing well, you wish for something and it throws money at you
4. A floating beer holder that will also stop your beer getting warm in the hot tub
5. Inverted pandas
6. A country/forest park with various non-standard dartboards (small, large rotating, odd shaped) scattered about it. So you get the walk in the park and gentle sporting aspects of golf without all the elitism and wasted space
7. Politicians to be assigned goats when voted into office. They have to give all interviews with the goat. If the interviewer feels they are being evasive, they start talking to the goat.
8. Monkey magnet
9. Universal standard for shoe sizes.
10. Mobile fridge. If you want a late night snack, you have to chase it.

1. Is it possible to make an omelette without breaking eggs?
2. Osmose milk into an egg, shake it vigorously, cook in place
3. A word to describe the process of justifying your fashion choices while stating that the exact same clothes look awful on another person
4. Chicken stuffed with boiled eggs
5. Pedal powered mechanical horse
6. wearing wellies for added comical effect
7. Transparent toast
8. Ninja stars made from really hard cheese
9. Death star helium balloons
10. Translucent frosted helium balloons with LEDs in them like portable suns

1. Story hook: Interdimensional portal in a facebook server so people get social media from a parallel universe
2. Hook handed pirate who wants to be a basketball player but keeps bursting the balls
3. Worlds tiniest footballer, only 4 inches high.
4. Every Beatles song ranked by average distance between John and Paul during recording
5. Adaptor to fit a kazoo in the bell of a trumpet
6. Trombone with LEDs that light up different colours depending on how far you extend it.
7. Queen to be given permission to tweet sarcastic remarks showing her true feelings when she’s obliged to grant a returning PM permission to form a government
8. How would dice work in zero gravity?
9. Clouds accidentally form magic words and grant super powers to a flock of passing birds
10. Fruit with alternating segments of lemon and orange

1. Leaf magnet for clearing leaves off gravel
2. Gleep, like sheep but really happy
3. Dishfish. Big flat fish you can eat your dinner off
4. The man from five minutes in the future
5. Time travellers travel a million years into the future. They discover there has been an apocalypse, but in the meantime a new species has arisen and formed a civilisation. They can’t prevent the apocalypse to save humanity without wiping out the new civilisation, so instead they evacuate a whole bunch of humans to the future and setup a colony
6. Some sort of villain that smokes magnets
7. Chair based demons
8. Glap, the noise you make clapping with sticky hands
9. A character with retractable claws like Wolverine, but they’re not as elegant, so every time they extend, they mess up his hands, splintering bones, severing tendons, sometimes cutting off fingers. It’s not quick to heal so he’s left with messy, bloody stumps for a while every time he uses his claws.
10. Prince memorial realistic animatronic dove with real crying action

1. Mans favourite TV show is “the news” he’s also convinced that it’s fictional.
2. The ghost coast
3. The toast ghost
4. A low gravity space bath, when you’re done the bottom of the bath opens up and you fall. As you fall, the wind dries you and slows your fall so that you land softly in bed.
5. Magnetic water.
6. Skeletons made of ice.
7. Hollow onions.
8. Onion ice cream.
9. Looks like an icecream cone, but it’s actually roast chicken and mash potato with a sausage, or something.
10. Crispy omelette? With crunchy bits.

1. New TLD for police forces .cop
2. New TLD for people called Tom .tom
3. Sci fi prompt. Time travel is only used to see the future so parents of dead children can see all the horrible things they would have done.
4. Easy jet to offer a “bundled up and stored in the hold” option for passengers
5. Staff kitchens to have a designated “standing about chatting” area that does not block access to any of the facilities
6. Zombie dragons
7. LED contact lenses to make your eyes glow.
8. Link to a heart monitor to make your eyes green when angry
9. Laser projector that detects the noisiest person in the room and projects a message on their eyes telling them to hush now.
10. As above, but with smells to discreetly tell people about their BO

1. Manky bars – Like monkey bars, but with the added challenge that they’re so repulsively stinky you don’t want to touch them
2. Rename fish ponds to fishyponds
3. Change the “free parking” square in monopoly to a casino
4. Grow pak-choi in spherical yellow pots. Pak-man-choi
5. Avocados grown in moulds to shape them like little alligators
6. Netflix to produce a sci-fi tv series where some scenes have multiple versions with subtle differences randomly inserted. It’ll drive continuity geeks mad
7. Lap-stopper. Little plastic doodad you can put on your laptop so you can carry it about without the lid closing and it going into sleep mode
8. Hot socks. Socks with pouches for heating gel so they’ll keep your feet warm
9. Anyone who leaves a teabag in the sink to have their hands cut off and tea-drinking privileges revoked forever.
10. Months of the year to be rearranged into alphabetical order. April August December February January June July March May November October September

1. A plugin that scrolls the lyrics of whatever song you’re playing along the taskbar so you can glance at it and maybe sing along without diverting your full attention
2. A device that can tell you if the pencil lead is cracked inside the pencil, to the point where the pencil is unsalvageable, possibly by measuring conductivity
3. Barbell with baby chair attachment for parents who like to pump iron but have to mind the child
4. Maximum voting age. People over the age of retirement only get half a vote because they won’t have to put up with the consequences for as long.
5. The sun starts a kickstarter. It won’t rise tomorrow unless it gets 10,000 bucks.
6. Blood biros, for signing contracts in Satan Inc. corporate HQ
7. Bananas with chocolate sauce injected down the middle
8. Lucky Drip. Game show in which contestants have to put some coloured ink into a tube and then race around under a maze of pipes, trying to figure out which nozzle is connected to the pipe with the colour before it reaches them, so they can catch the “lucky drip”
9. Lucky snip, contestants have to pick the right thread to snip and release the prize.
10. Lucky nip, contestants are presented with a selection of furry bottoms. One is false and they win a prize if they nip that, the other two are attached to real lions.

Ingredients.

Sausages, large x8 (I use tesco meat free lincolnshire sausages, they’re good and sausagey despite being vegetarian)

Potatoes x8 (nearly 1kg)

Carrots x4 (maybe throw in a parsnip)

Mushrooms x12 (nice brown mushroom, I used chestnut)

Chopped tomatoes (2x400g can)

Big onion

Red wine (or a nice dark vinegar)

Thyme

Ginger (dried or fresh and finely chopped)

Mustard

Instructions

Chop the potatoes and carrots into chunks, bung them in the pot.

Dice the onion and mushrooms.

Chop the sausage into chunks.

Fry up the onions in a pan. As they start to soften up, douse them in wine/vinegar.

Bung on the sausage and mushrooms. Give them a couple of minutes and then douse them in wine/vinegar.

Throw that into the pot along with the tomatoes, add in another good splash of wine/vinegar, dollop in a heaped teaspoon of mustard and a large pinch of ginger, give it a good stir. Liberally sprinkle thyme over the top and give it about 6 hours on low.

Serve with something chunky and green, I went for cabbage and al dente broccolli

1. It’s a common problem that if a serious woman is trying to do a serious job, the media are often pointlessly fussing about what she’s wearing when they would never do the same to a man in the same position. This is usually bad behaviour and journalists need to get their priorities straight, but if you’re trying to get people to take you seriously while you run the country, don’t dress like a fucking clown.
2. Competition to see who can swim the most lengths in a pool full of curry.
3. Anonymous hotline you can call if you plan on doing a crime. They’ll offer helpful suggestions to alternatives.
4. All surveys should end with the question “How could we have improved this survey?”
5. Some sort of app that aggregates all the gps data from your fitness tracking sessions (runkeeper, fitbit, etc) into one map and show you the percentage of local area explored, like the doom automap
6. Society where people can elect to go into a coma for a long period of time, like if there’s a food shortage, just pop half the population into storage for a while. Or can be voluntary, if you don’t like the new president, just go to sleep for four years.
7. Post election military parade outside of stormont, but not just the official military, ALL the militaries, in order of impressiveness, starting with the tanks and regular army, then the TA, then the fellas in balaclavas and beer bellies, some bloke driving a “one man all terrain assault vehicle” (also known as a tractor) all the way down to some wee steeky with his hood pulled up, carrying a pointy stick]
8. Meat crisps. A bag of slices of crispy meat, shaped like various cuts of meat
9. Crime fighting squirrels. They’re just regular sized squirrels, but they fight human crime.
10. Bananut bar. Nutty base layer with half a banana on top